The Weight of Words: Exploring Identity and Loss in Safia Elhillo's 'To Make Use of Water'

Safia Elhillo's poem, "To Make Use of Water," is a poignant exploration of language, identity, and the feeling of being caught between cultures. It delves into the subtle yet profound ways in which words can shape our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. The poem uses the motif of water to represent both the fluidity and the potential for drowning that comes with navigating multiple identities.

The Erosion of Language

The poem opens with a series of fragmented memories, a gradual forgetting of words in both Arabic and English. This isn't simply about lost vocabulary; it's about a deeper sense of disconnection. The speaker laments:

• "i forget the arabic word for economy
• i forget the english word for عسل
• forget the arabic word for incense
• & english word for مسكين"

This loss of language mirrors a loss of cultural grounding. Each forgotten word represents a piece of the speaker's heritage slipping away. The repetition emphasizes the growing distance between the speaker and her roots. It highlights the struggle of maintaining a connection to one's heritage while living in a different cultural context.

The Atlantic's Tongue

The line "/stupid girl, atlantic got your tongue/" is particularly striking. It suggests a silencing, a forced assimilation into a new culture. The Atlantic Ocean, a vast and powerful body of water, becomes a metaphor for the forces that can erode one's native language and identity. The phrase implies a sense of shame or self-reproach for this loss, as if the speaker is somehow responsible for the erosion of her own linguistic heritage.

Politeness and Evasion

The poem then shifts to a critique of the indirectness and evasion that can permeate even medical language. The speaker observes:

"back home we are plagued by a politeness so dense even the doctors cannot call things what they are my grandfather’s left eye swirled thick with smoke what my new mouth can call glaucoma while the arabic still translates to the white water"

This section highlights the contrast between the directness of medical terminology ("glaucoma") and the more metaphorical, perhaps euphemistic, language used in Arabic ("the white water"). This difference reflects a broader cultural tendency to avoid direct confrontation with difficult or unpleasant realities. The "white water" becomes another symbol of the obscuring, diluting effect of language.

The Yearning for Home

The simple, repeated lines, "i want to go home," express a deep longing for a place of belonging. This yearning is complicated by the speaker's awareness of the privilege inherent in her ability to feel homesick:

"half don’t even make it out or across you get to be ungrateful you get to be homesick from safe inside your blue american passport do you even understand what was lost to bring you here"

This section introduces a layer of guilt and self-awareness. The speaker acknowledges the sacrifices made to bring her to a place of safety and opportunity. She recognizes that her homesickness is a luxury, a privilege not afforded to everyone. This awareness adds complexity to her desire to return "home," suggesting a tension between personal longing and a sense of responsibility to those who were left behind.

Drowning in Two Worlds

"To Make Use of Water" is a powerful meditation on the challenges of navigating multiple identities. It explores the ways in which language can both connect us to and distance us from our cultural heritage. The poem's central metaphor of water serves as a reminder of the constant flux and potential for both renewal and destruction that comes with living between worlds. It leaves the reader with a lingering sense of the weight of words, the burden of loss, and the enduring power of longing.